25 March 2015 Wednesday

We again... got an argument this morning..
In the end, i choose to leave you kor. .and i purposely say something bad to you.. but i dont meant that to you actually..
All the way i can see your good to me... compare with such small thing . .
Because i know in this situation, i got into anxiety and will trouble you a lot..
Bring u stress and unhappy thing.. and u will worry me so much ..
I want to see you happy ..
The last message that you sended me , i read.... until the end of part ... i see u are still caring for me..
i fucking cry out loud ...

That night, i went to my frd's dad funeral ..
He tell me plz appreciate what i had now...
i should apologize to you now instead of on day me or you no longer living in the world..
Then i will be regretful in my whole life ..
I already did regret after read your last message ..

Tonight, i cnt get into sleep..
Whole of my mind was the way u caring me ... and what can i do for you to save back my beloved kor.

26 March 2015 Thursday

Finally i wrote a message into my note and printscreen for my kor ..
i no want to get regret and explaining to him instead of wait until i go sgp ..
But the reply is kor told me i should settle all my thing and tell him until we meet in sgp.
That's no point of telling him all this now bcoz its pointless...
I had hurt him way too much and insulting that he's player..
I don't really meant that... i know kor not player ... Is me stupid enough and ignorance to believe the stupid apps .
I see you say will be harsh for me now and cannot be getting soft anymore to me ...
Somemore asking me to take care of myself and not thinking much ... i got my bros n frds for ears of listening .. He want to be alone right now bcoz been hurt by me so much so much and from the last call...

Kor even warning me not to text him anymore this kind of thing ... its pointless and wont changed anything until we see each in sgp ..
I know is di fault ... i really a scum ...
I though i could control my emotional without you but really a bad way ..
Im so hard and sad right now.. I though i could changed myself from leaving you..
But i realise that im more sad of losing you ..
Why kor you still care of me .. asking me take good care of myself even im hurting u so much..
Im so guilty ... Is the second times bcoz of my emotional i losing a brother ..
I dono can we become bro or frds anymore when we meet up each other in sgp ...

Bcoz i know kor is d person once said and really meant that ... will never change ...
on the phone kor told me that we no longer bro or frds anymore.. im just a person just pass by his life.

27 March 2015 Friday

Is just second day of my life without you..
I woke up every 1-2 hours at d middle of night..
First thing i would do is check my phone got any of your message or not..
i know this wont be happened but .... there's a hope on me..
I got no patient to wait until we meet up in sgp..
Di cant sleep well eat well ..
i though myself could changed myself better to face you and show you back the cheerful di.
didn't expect that i becoming more sad...

Im so scared that after i pass you the money in sgp, we no longer contact each other anymore..
Everyday im thinking do him got eat punctual or not.. ady cheer up ady or not.. Is he still sad bcoz of my stupid words of anger and what i did to him ?
I there's a time machine, i wish i could save back this brothership..
Di everyday pass until very suffer ...
I cnt find anyway to fa xie my bad emotion ... and i promised kor n my bros never do silly thing again.

28 March 2015 Saturday

What a day for me... slept at 5am.. woke up at 6am+ and then 8am/ 9 am and every one hour until 3pm++
I need a deep sleep..
Every night when i sleep... my brain keep on thinking how to keep back my bro..
Why i choose a cruel way for both of us ...
Why im so weak to control my emotion and temper to someone i love ..
Why so many thing happen on me recently ..
I just want my kor be happy always but in the end i always hurt him so much ..
I really so useless and scumbag who betray his brother..
I decided after my Japan trip... i wont spend much, i need money fly to sgp to apologize to you..
I want to save back what i had done ..
One day trip is enuf for me .. I really wish i coming back to mys wif good news ...
Everything is me stupid .. believe stupid apps ... i will never never do that again ..
What can i do now? Life goes on ... i want to stand up .. i want be happy and changed myself to show kor see . But why i still keep on blaming myself .. im fuking immature ... i hate myself for being so emotional and weak ..