29 March 2015 Sunday

Went to penang queensbay mall for ktv with john today..
This used to be a happy place for me, but today when i walk into the mall..
All my memories with kor came out of sudden..
Bring u do spec right there, u watching me play game in arcade..
We eat yataimura japanese food.. gossip about the aunty behind us ..
walking around there ... chatting ...
A few times i choose to change the path that we walked together last time..
i feel so upset of it..

Ktv, i know john jio me for ktv is want to acc me and help me release my sadness..
the first song he sang, my tears ady drop non stop..
3 hours inside ktv, my tears dropping like 2 hours..
cnt even sing, coz my voice is sound like crying ady..
he knew.. i aso know tats d way he care for me..

Coz i hv been holding myself not to listen to any song in this period..
it will made me more emo and down ...
but one shot listen all and cry out ..
atleast a bit of fa xie ..
i even rmb kor said wan to go ktv with me ...
i dono we still got that chance or not...



30 March 2015 Monday

Another day without a good night..
Still having nightmare every night..
Cant get used to without your gd morning and gd night for me...
When i woke up every morning, i know i wont be receiving ur good morning for me anymore but i still check my phone ..

Finally today went back my appointment with doctor ..
Doctor gave me zoloft and xanax to control my depression and stress also 紧张 so i could sleep well or better a bit ..
Is so harsh to telling the true feeling to doctor.. so i had to said that im breaking up with my gf instead of a bro..

He teaching me a guideline to control my emotional..
Everyone must got negative emotion when something bad happen..
Things happen between two parties, must be two side issue not only one side..
Telling me im just too 在乎 of kor thats why i dont feel insecure and thinking so much..
If i dont concern about you, i dont care wt happen at all..

And i Just need to keep on reminding yourself that feeling is just temporary, wont stand for long..
So beware of decision and speaking when u are in worst emotional, bcoz mostly the words u said out will be very hurting to others .. Yes, im stupid and forget about this on that morning. ..
The medicine just will help little bit on me, i need to get strong of my mentality keep on telling myself all these will be end... the sadness just temporary ..
Bcoz i got into anxiety, i will thinking so much.. and the anxiety will cause me into depression..
it will ruins ur life and also your characteristic ..

 I need to realise that i ady turn all these negative emotion become my habit..
Is not short period can turn into this... it might be long time ago and i dono how to handle the emotional, so i always keep inside the heart ..
If keep on thinking on it, and in other way is like making all these negative thing gain stronger..
What i need to do is dont think, although i cant stop it but i need to control it not to accel, sooner that bad feeling will stop itself and dont let it grow ...
If not in the future, all these will ruin my life even when im old..
If i keep on worry, i will be more worry when i grow older bcoz it's become a habit..
If i keep on thinking much, i will think more when i grow older .
And also asking me try to stand on other side, we dono what happen to them..
think from their way... to understanding more why to 包容.. coz im way sensitive ..
So i need to changed all these now..

Yes, in fact i dono am i losing you or not, bcoz kor always say off n on back when quarrel.. i hope it will be the voice of anger from u that time... bcoz i still treating u as my bro ...
I cool down myself think back why i dont trust you..
True from what doc said, i 在乎你,  i dnt feel insecure ... Cos from the message kor sended me i felt so cold..
the msg less n lesser ..
When i wanted to start the chat, u will be say, chat later.. chat tonight ..
So i wait until night, and u say chat tml... i wait until tml.. u say chat later again and again ..

A person without love will cause into all these, guess that thats why im seeking love from frds now..
i miss you kor ...

25 March 2015 Wednesday

We again... got an argument this morning..
In the end, i choose to leave you kor. .and i purposely say something bad to you.. but i dont meant that to you actually..
All the way i can see your good to me... compare with such small thing . .
Because i know in this situation, i got into anxiety and will trouble you a lot..
Bring u stress and unhappy thing.. and u will worry me so much ..
I want to see you happy ..
The last message that you sended me , i read.... until the end of part ... i see u are still caring for me..
i fucking cry out loud ...

That night, i went to my frd's dad funeral ..
He tell me plz appreciate what i had now...
i should apologize to you now instead of on day me or you no longer living in the world..
Then i will be regretful in my whole life ..
I already did regret after read your last message ..

Tonight, i cnt get into sleep..
Whole of my mind was the way u caring me ... and what can i do for you to save back my beloved kor.

26 March 2015 Thursday

Finally i wrote a message into my note and printscreen for my kor ..
i no want to get regret and explaining to him instead of wait until i go sgp ..
But the reply is kor told me i should settle all my thing and tell him until we meet in sgp.
That's no point of telling him all this now bcoz its pointless...
I had hurt him way too much and insulting that he's player..
I don't really meant that... i know kor not player ... Is me stupid enough and ignorance to believe the stupid apps .
I see you say will be harsh for me now and cannot be getting soft anymore to me ...
Somemore asking me to take care of myself and not thinking much ... i got my bros n frds for ears of listening .. He want to be alone right now bcoz been hurt by me so much so much and from the last call...

Kor even warning me not to text him anymore this kind of thing ... its pointless and wont changed anything until we see each in sgp ..
I know is di fault ... i really a scum ...
I though i could control my emotional without you but really a bad way ..
Im so hard and sad right now.. I though i could changed myself from leaving you..
But i realise that im more sad of losing you ..
Why kor you still care of me .. asking me take good care of myself even im hurting u so much..
Im so guilty ... Is the second times bcoz of my emotional i losing a brother ..
I dono can we become bro or frds anymore when we meet up each other in sgp ...

Bcoz i know kor is d person once said and really meant that ... will never change ...
on the phone kor told me that we no longer bro or frds anymore.. im just a person just pass by his life.

27 March 2015 Friday

Is just second day of my life without you..
I woke up every 1-2 hours at d middle of night..
First thing i would do is check my phone got any of your message or not..
i know this wont be happened but .... there's a hope on me..
I got no patient to wait until we meet up in sgp..
Di cant sleep well eat well ..
i though myself could changed myself better to face you and show you back the cheerful di.
didn't expect that i becoming more sad...

Im so scared that after i pass you the money in sgp, we no longer contact each other anymore..
Everyday im thinking do him got eat punctual or not.. ady cheer up ady or not.. Is he still sad bcoz of my stupid words of anger and what i did to him ?
I there's a time machine, i wish i could save back this brothership..
Di everyday pass until very suffer ...
I cnt find anyway to fa xie my bad emotion ... and i promised kor n my bros never do silly thing again.

28 March 2015 Saturday

What a day for me... slept at 5am.. woke up at 6am+ and then 8am/ 9 am and every one hour until 3pm++
I need a deep sleep..
Every night when i sleep... my brain keep on thinking how to keep back my bro..
Why i choose a cruel way for both of us ...
Why im so weak to control my emotion and temper to someone i love ..
Why so many thing happen on me recently ..
I just want my kor be happy always but in the end i always hurt him so much ..
I really so useless and scumbag who betray his brother..
I decided after my Japan trip... i wont spend much, i need money fly to sgp to apologize to you..
I want to save back what i had done ..
One day trip is enuf for me .. I really wish i coming back to mys wif good news ...
Everything is me stupid .. believe stupid apps ... i will never never do that again ..
What can i do now? Life goes on ... i want to stand up .. i want be happy and changed myself to show kor see . But why i still keep on blaming myself .. im fuking immature ... i hate myself for being so emotional and weak ..

I'm fall in love....

20 June 2014

2 weeks ago, met a new friends.. 
The friend teach me a lot .. 
Even scold me wake up ... 
soon later... i found out i fall in love to this friend... 

i draw a chibi photo of this friends... 
thinking of this friend everyday and wish i could keep in touch with d friend... 
The friend also told me that got feeling on me, but we need time to know each other .. 

Recently, i wish i could meet up with this friend again ... 
love to see the way she smile .... making fun with me... 
WW always busy ... so i try not to disturb her when she's working .. 
So i have only way to do when i miss her is read her blog .. 
Listen to her song ... 

But somehow, i got a feeling is im scare to start relationship to her .. 
Because if anything bad happen, we break up.. we might higher chance cant be friend back .. 
I feel glad that i could everyday morning call her to wake up ... 
Asking her not to nua bed... wake up eat breakfast and prepare for work .. 

Still remember the first time i chat with her, i told myself we are impossible and 
i wont fall to her... but ..
Just a few days time ... i keep on thinking of her ... 
May be that time when we chatting via messenger, i feel so warm... 
There're a person willing to listen to me ... 
although sometime she's quite 野蛮 ... But i dont mind ... in other way. i felt she's so cute .. 

I hope i could bring happiness to this friend WW ... 
But too bad she is kinda independent ... 
So i don't know what action should i take ... 
Few day past, i had a dinner with her... 
IM really happy from bottom of my heart ... 
Just only can see-ing her ... and only two of us ... 
sitting inside d car... chatting ... laughing ... manja lai, manja go ... 

3 years ady.. i didn't fall to anyone ..
Just to concentrate on my work and forget my painful past ... 
But, now... 
everytime before i slept... i called her and chat ... 
i could sleep well ... seem like a very good medicine to cure my insomia .... 
May be in this 3 years time.. im really lack of love .... 

I wish i could write down our story .. and remember forever in my life no matter we have happy ending or not.... 

4th Feb 2014 Tuesday ~

Heard some frd told me about beh he break up wif his gf ...
kinda shock after heard this news ...
Don't know why, thinking izziz he okay or not ..
So plan to ask him out to chat see see...

At night, we have d time in starbuck ...
he apologize everything to me... and wanted to friend back ...
Bcoz he don't wan to owe people anything ...
So im thinking, you apologize and dont wan owe people bcoz u scare of karma?
or u really bring out the heart to make friends...
If u just want to avoid of karma.. This jst like a selfish attitude...
You are using ur friends... to reach ur goal...
No change... like how he used me to chase a girl...

He say that i being care a lot ...
and i remind back myself ... am i ?
i rmb, in that january .... he almost everyday emo, i as a friend...
should i leave him alone ka? doesnt make sense...
only one way to explain this... is he dnt even appreciate the care...
If he dnt even appreciate... no point i forgiving him ... He dont take the lesson...

He though everyone good to him is a must ...
Sorry friends, this world wont end without you...
no one couldn't live just bcoz without you ...

Come on, be more mature ....
Don't always think urself ...
Think of people's feeling, people's situation ... and own attitude ...
Be frank, i don't want to tell u this is, many peoples come n talk to me..
saying u dnt even have friends in SM ... those who near you, jst want to have ur benefit ..
i remain silent ... I know u that xiu yea pattern wont change... i understand ...
But i still decide friend to you ...

Hope Beh this time, really take this as a lesson and change to be a better guy...
Appreciate... its not just talk on the mouth... Do it... Show it and prove it ...
Suddenly think of the moment he wanted to shake hand with me ...
im blank and dono what to do ... May be in deep of my heart, im still treating him as a friend ...
If not, i wont care a shit about him ...

30th December 2013 Monday Feeling warm and blessed ~

30th December 2013 Monday

Woke up around 7am.. But continue slp back.. too tired ~
Couldn't sleep well last night because someone scare dark and request to open the light ..
no idea, i have to open the light just left top of my head...
and i cant sleep coz the light and suddenly i imagine that if i look to the mirror..
got a girl sitting there with red/white cloth and green face how ...
lolx ...
around 9am, R woke me up and i bath and settle everything within 15mins ..
and then ready to check out our hotel ...

We had our breakfast at BOH TEH garden ..
take a few nice photo there ... and then heading to another place again ...
ermm... the next one bee farm ...
go look bee ...
nothing special ... jst a small place and selling honey ..
sienz.. plus im sleepy ...
Then we go back to penang lo..
drive slow.. remember that R's parents ask me nt to drive so fast...

When arrive penang, we went to eat char koey teow..
=w=
RM10 for large ...
lucky they say its delicious .. if not not worth at all ad...
erm.. after makan our lunch ..
we went to 3D art muzium near jetty...
very good and creative place .. but the top floor are too hot already ... it's like sauna inside .

Then we go home, R's dad cook dinner for us..
I'm too pai seh to eat at his house..
but his parents ask me come eat first only go back ...
en.. have to respect people so i stay down and eat together with them..
fuah.. the pork and fried rice... epic delicious ... nvr tried so nice de before...
and also bee hun ... tambah ikan bilis .. a new taste for me .. nvr tried this kind of fried beehun before..

After makan, we sit down at living room and chat there...
His dad are a good talker and also joker ...
and show me to his grandma... his dad say this the tiger .. lao hor.. always fetch R go out one..
two like hia ti kia .. i was little bit shock ...
Don't know why, i felt so warm and wish i could talk like this with my family too ...

Then i go home and take bath ... a short break ...
and packing my thing to go back R's house overnight there again ...
When arrived there, his dad say wah.. my timing so ngam.. now buka durian eat.. come come ..
His dad told us a few knowledge about durian ... and also the worms ... >.<
Tonight, really a good night for me... i sleep well and sweet dream ...
Without worry anything, without worry that i cant woke up in the morning ...
Stay peace.. inner peace.. this is what i needed ....

29 Dec 2013 Sunday Cameron Trip~ ~

29 Dec 2013 Sunday

Not really sleep well last night and woke up myself around 6.45am.
R's parents are already awake and i go take a hot shower and prepare first..
After Ash and Ju wake up... i double check my car, bag, everything ..
and Aunty also bring us a lot of waters and 100 plus...
Both of them praise my english and cantonese speaking not bad ar... siok sei me ^^

Okay, our first destination is butterworth Chao Quan Dim Sum ...
when we otw to butterworth , R say that he forgot to bring out the hotel room reservation voucher=.=''
orz.. .. thn we try to make a phone call to the hotel to reconfirm what should we do.. and what we can ..
Arrive dimsum place, very lucky we can get a car park and seat very fast...
damn R order a lot of foods again =.=''
nvm, can give to Ash and Ju try ....

Finish for the first place, heading to ipoh...
Ipoh eat Toufu Fah and bring the both girls to buy some biscuits ..
well.. the toufu fah really delicious ..
not too sweet, but very soft ...
And then we visit a temple in ipoh when we otw going to cameron highlands...
i saw 关二哥 there... and a big 义 word .. trying to tell him and ask him what should i do...
And there're 许愿池 over there too .. try to make a few wish ... hope everything will go good..

When we arrive Cameron, go to check-in our hotel first...
But too bad we have to wait for 30mins ... the room is not ready yet..
and R he go toilet shit again =.='' more than 4times for today le ...
Then i sit at lobby, thinking some memories i spend at here last time...
After 40mins, we check-in our room and get a short break..
Then heading to Lavender farm ...
Look beautiful ... and fresh air ... Although little bit of rain.... it doesnt matter ..

The whole day im so sleepy and tired... lucky have a short nap after came back from Lavender farm..
and then we prepare to makan steamboat le ..
order steamboat, listen the staff told us got what dish ... i though a lot ..
kinda dissapointed me n R ...
After finish the steamboat..
The girls say, i though u guys are always full table when eating ...
fuah ~ ~ ~ I just started hungry and wanted to eat more after this steamboat..
And im finally awake ... challenge accepted ...
i order large fried sgp bee hun, 1 toufu and 1 vege...
finally... my stomach feel full =w=


Back from steamboat, R went toilet again =.=''
quite worry about his stomach, wondering should bring him to check-up or not ..
A good night that we spend our time in hotel room playing poker game ...
and then sweet dream around 1am++

Merry x'Mas 2013

Giving surprise for nlw.. A birthday + Xmas card...
Sending it to Uk and hope she will have a good memories on her bday ..
Lucky arrive there just in time ...
Pity her foreveralone there and not much friends celebrating with her..
The card took me around 4 hours to craft it ...
Cutting the slow flakes, sticking the snow ball, snow man and etc ...
Kinda dissapointed on my work, coz its came with totally different thing from what i plan to do =.=''

After few days ago, nlw tell me that she also sending me back a xmas card ..
But might took longer like 1~2 weeks lo ...
nt bad... quite interested to see how's d card look like ..

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

20th Dec 2013
Went to KL with cousin ..
They going to cf and i go to meet up friends...
friday night meet up with dolphin zai..
and i troll a malay ID players after lunch time..
Taking out low level card and he ask for tag... i refuse and i say i can instore..
Then he see i bang here bang there... though that he could fishing me ...
In the end... he show a very dark face... haha ... losing to me for 5 games ..

21th Dec 2013
Wee... early morning our jesus ivan oon come and fetch me to mv ..
Tagging whole day ... until dinner time,
i meet up with my senior clezo ...
Makan our dinner at TGIF ...
well.. the food not bad...
i order champion bbq chicken ..
damn =.= its so big .. half of a chick ...
After makan, windows shopping with him...
and knowing there's a shop selling decoration or and handmade staff ...

22th Dec 2013
A very tiring day ... wake up early, to check out hotel..
and then went to hpmv meet up friends again ...
until evening time, drive over to sungei wang to pick up my cousin ..
and also looking for petrol station..
the fuel are almost empty ..
Lucky found one, but i have to take illegal U-turn ..
No care it anymore la... better than no petrol then wait gg later ..
Thn drive back to penang ..
Drive thru mcd ... as supper ...
Stay 1 more night in penang ...

again??? 4th Sept 2013

Think too much ady ...
So stress recently ...
dream about the same frd again ...
we went to camp fire.. those friends know we both argue ..
purposely throw both of us to jaga malam =.=''
and thn he gave me a paper... asking why me know why he angry me .. and bla bla bla..
and we solve the problem peacefully .... in the end become friends back ...

haha its so ridiculous .... why these good thing only happen in my dream or drama ?
but when it came in reality. .. .. im just a fool ..

After woke up from the dream ..
im remind back to the past what we had happened ...
im confuse which year ...
It's like the year 2012 n 2013 are blank for me ...
its been 2 years.. i though i already walked out and keep move on to my new life..
its not, my time is stopped there..
may be like what he told me, i cause everyone around me stress...