29 March 2015 Sunday

Went to penang queensbay mall for ktv with john today..
This used to be a happy place for me, but today when i walk into the mall..
All my memories with kor came out of sudden..
Bring u do spec right there, u watching me play game in arcade..
We eat yataimura japanese food.. gossip about the aunty behind us ..
walking around there ... chatting ...
A few times i choose to change the path that we walked together last time..
i feel so upset of it..

Ktv, i know john jio me for ktv is want to acc me and help me release my sadness..
the first song he sang, my tears ady drop non stop..
3 hours inside ktv, my tears dropping like 2 hours..
cnt even sing, coz my voice is sound like crying ady..
he knew.. i aso know tats d way he care for me..

Coz i hv been holding myself not to listen to any song in this period..
it will made me more emo and down ...
but one shot listen all and cry out ..
atleast a bit of fa xie ..
i even rmb kor said wan to go ktv with me ...
i dono we still got that chance or not...



30 March 2015 Monday

Another day without a good night..
Still having nightmare every night..
Cant get used to without your gd morning and gd night for me...
When i woke up every morning, i know i wont be receiving ur good morning for me anymore but i still check my phone ..

Finally today went back my appointment with doctor ..
Doctor gave me zoloft and xanax to control my depression and stress also 紧张 so i could sleep well or better a bit ..
Is so harsh to telling the true feeling to doctor.. so i had to said that im breaking up with my gf instead of a bro..

He teaching me a guideline to control my emotional..
Everyone must got negative emotion when something bad happen..
Things happen between two parties, must be two side issue not only one side..
Telling me im just too 在乎 of kor thats why i dont feel insecure and thinking so much..
If i dont concern about you, i dont care wt happen at all..

And i Just need to keep on reminding yourself that feeling is just temporary, wont stand for long..
So beware of decision and speaking when u are in worst emotional, bcoz mostly the words u said out will be very hurting to others .. Yes, im stupid and forget about this on that morning. ..
The medicine just will help little bit on me, i need to get strong of my mentality keep on telling myself all these will be end... the sadness just temporary ..
Bcoz i got into anxiety, i will thinking so much.. and the anxiety will cause me into depression..
it will ruins ur life and also your characteristic ..

 I need to realise that i ady turn all these negative emotion become my habit..
Is not short period can turn into this... it might be long time ago and i dono how to handle the emotional, so i always keep inside the heart ..
If keep on thinking on it, and in other way is like making all these negative thing gain stronger..
What i need to do is dont think, although i cant stop it but i need to control it not to accel, sooner that bad feeling will stop itself and dont let it grow ...
If not in the future, all these will ruin my life even when im old..
If i keep on worry, i will be more worry when i grow older bcoz it's become a habit..
If i keep on thinking much, i will think more when i grow older .
And also asking me try to stand on other side, we dono what happen to them..
think from their way... to understanding more why to 包容.. coz im way sensitive ..
So i need to changed all these now..

Yes, in fact i dono am i losing you or not, bcoz kor always say off n on back when quarrel.. i hope it will be the voice of anger from u that time... bcoz i still treating u as my bro ...
I cool down myself think back why i dont trust you..
True from what doc said, i 在乎你,  i dnt feel insecure ... Cos from the message kor sended me i felt so cold..
the msg less n lesser ..
When i wanted to start the chat, u will be say, chat later.. chat tonight ..
So i wait until night, and u say chat tml... i wait until tml.. u say chat later again and again ..

A person without love will cause into all these, guess that thats why im seeking love from frds now..
i miss you kor ...