29 March 2015 Sunday

Went to penang queensbay mall for ktv with john today..
This used to be a happy place for me, but today when i walk into the mall..
All my memories with kor came out of sudden..
Bring u do spec right there, u watching me play game in arcade..
We eat yataimura japanese food.. gossip about the aunty behind us ..
walking around there ... chatting ...
A few times i choose to change the path that we walked together last time..
i feel so upset of it..

Ktv, i know john jio me for ktv is want to acc me and help me release my sadness..
the first song he sang, my tears ady drop non stop..
3 hours inside ktv, my tears dropping like 2 hours..
cnt even sing, coz my voice is sound like crying ady..
he knew.. i aso know tats d way he care for me..

Coz i hv been holding myself not to listen to any song in this period..
it will made me more emo and down ...
but one shot listen all and cry out ..
atleast a bit of fa xie ..
i even rmb kor said wan to go ktv with me ...
i dono we still got that chance or not...



30 March 2015 Monday

Another day without a good night..
Still having nightmare every night..
Cant get used to without your gd morning and gd night for me...
When i woke up every morning, i know i wont be receiving ur good morning for me anymore but i still check my phone ..

Finally today went back my appointment with doctor ..
Doctor gave me zoloft and xanax to control my depression and stress also 紧张 so i could sleep well or better a bit ..
Is so harsh to telling the true feeling to doctor.. so i had to said that im breaking up with my gf instead of a bro..

He teaching me a guideline to control my emotional..
Everyone must got negative emotion when something bad happen..
Things happen between two parties, must be two side issue not only one side..
Telling me im just too 在乎 of kor thats why i dont feel insecure and thinking so much..
If i dont concern about you, i dont care wt happen at all..

And i Just need to keep on reminding yourself that feeling is just temporary, wont stand for long..
So beware of decision and speaking when u are in worst emotional, bcoz mostly the words u said out will be very hurting to others .. Yes, im stupid and forget about this on that morning. ..
The medicine just will help little bit on me, i need to get strong of my mentality keep on telling myself all these will be end... the sadness just temporary ..
Bcoz i got into anxiety, i will thinking so much.. and the anxiety will cause me into depression..
it will ruins ur life and also your characteristic ..

 I need to realise that i ady turn all these negative emotion become my habit..
Is not short period can turn into this... it might be long time ago and i dono how to handle the emotional, so i always keep inside the heart ..
If keep on thinking on it, and in other way is like making all these negative thing gain stronger..
What i need to do is dont think, although i cant stop it but i need to control it not to accel, sooner that bad feeling will stop itself and dont let it grow ...
If not in the future, all these will ruin my life even when im old..
If i keep on worry, i will be more worry when i grow older bcoz it's become a habit..
If i keep on thinking much, i will think more when i grow older .
And also asking me try to stand on other side, we dono what happen to them..
think from their way... to understanding more why to 包容.. coz im way sensitive ..
So i need to changed all these now..

Yes, in fact i dono am i losing you or not, bcoz kor always say off n on back when quarrel.. i hope it will be the voice of anger from u that time... bcoz i still treating u as my bro ...
I cool down myself think back why i dont trust you..
True from what doc said, i 在乎你,  i dnt feel insecure ... Cos from the message kor sended me i felt so cold..
the msg less n lesser ..
When i wanted to start the chat, u will be say, chat later.. chat tonight ..
So i wait until night, and u say chat tml... i wait until tml.. u say chat later again and again ..

A person without love will cause into all these, guess that thats why im seeking love from frds now..
i miss you kor ...

25 March 2015 Wednesday

We again... got an argument this morning..
In the end, i choose to leave you kor. .and i purposely say something bad to you.. but i dont meant that to you actually..
All the way i can see your good to me... compare with such small thing . .
Because i know in this situation, i got into anxiety and will trouble you a lot..
Bring u stress and unhappy thing.. and u will worry me so much ..
I want to see you happy ..
The last message that you sended me , i read.... until the end of part ... i see u are still caring for me..
i fucking cry out loud ...

That night, i went to my frd's dad funeral ..
He tell me plz appreciate what i had now...
i should apologize to you now instead of on day me or you no longer living in the world..
Then i will be regretful in my whole life ..
I already did regret after read your last message ..

Tonight, i cnt get into sleep..
Whole of my mind was the way u caring me ... and what can i do for you to save back my beloved kor.

26 March 2015 Thursday

Finally i wrote a message into my note and printscreen for my kor ..
i no want to get regret and explaining to him instead of wait until i go sgp ..
But the reply is kor told me i should settle all my thing and tell him until we meet in sgp.
That's no point of telling him all this now bcoz its pointless...
I had hurt him way too much and insulting that he's player..
I don't really meant that... i know kor not player ... Is me stupid enough and ignorance to believe the stupid apps .
I see you say will be harsh for me now and cannot be getting soft anymore to me ...
Somemore asking me to take care of myself and not thinking much ... i got my bros n frds for ears of listening .. He want to be alone right now bcoz been hurt by me so much so much and from the last call...

Kor even warning me not to text him anymore this kind of thing ... its pointless and wont changed anything until we see each in sgp ..
I know is di fault ... i really a scum ...
I though i could control my emotional without you but really a bad way ..
Im so hard and sad right now.. I though i could changed myself from leaving you..
But i realise that im more sad of losing you ..
Why kor you still care of me .. asking me take good care of myself even im hurting u so much..
Im so guilty ... Is the second times bcoz of my emotional i losing a brother ..
I dono can we become bro or frds anymore when we meet up each other in sgp ...

Bcoz i know kor is d person once said and really meant that ... will never change ...
on the phone kor told me that we no longer bro or frds anymore.. im just a person just pass by his life.

27 March 2015 Friday

Is just second day of my life without you..
I woke up every 1-2 hours at d middle of night..
First thing i would do is check my phone got any of your message or not..
i know this wont be happened but .... there's a hope on me..
I got no patient to wait until we meet up in sgp..
Di cant sleep well eat well ..
i though myself could changed myself better to face you and show you back the cheerful di.
didn't expect that i becoming more sad...

Im so scared that after i pass you the money in sgp, we no longer contact each other anymore..
Everyday im thinking do him got eat punctual or not.. ady cheer up ady or not.. Is he still sad bcoz of my stupid words of anger and what i did to him ?
I there's a time machine, i wish i could save back this brothership..
Di everyday pass until very suffer ...
I cnt find anyway to fa xie my bad emotion ... and i promised kor n my bros never do silly thing again.

28 March 2015 Saturday

What a day for me... slept at 5am.. woke up at 6am+ and then 8am/ 9 am and every one hour until 3pm++
I need a deep sleep..
Every night when i sleep... my brain keep on thinking how to keep back my bro..
Why i choose a cruel way for both of us ...
Why im so weak to control my emotion and temper to someone i love ..
Why so many thing happen on me recently ..
I just want my kor be happy always but in the end i always hurt him so much ..
I really so useless and scumbag who betray his brother..
I decided after my Japan trip... i wont spend much, i need money fly to sgp to apologize to you..
I want to save back what i had done ..
One day trip is enuf for me .. I really wish i coming back to mys wif good news ...
Everything is me stupid .. believe stupid apps ... i will never never do that again ..
What can i do now? Life goes on ... i want to stand up .. i want be happy and changed myself to show kor see . But why i still keep on blaming myself .. im fuking immature ... i hate myself for being so emotional and weak ..